The Professor and People Known to the Professor

(The ancecdotes and observations of an American Jerk)

Hello there, humans or some creature close. Of course I reserve the title of humans for those that have qualities of a highly advanced intelligence from other groups of animals and refuse distributing the title to those that only have the form of a human but not the mental attributes. That said, I welcome you full heartedly to my autobiography and this is a monumental occasion for you I am sure. You have the honor to enjoy the knowledge that my 22 years on the planet earth has benefited me with. I must give you thanks for allowing me to spread the seed of truth so that it may nurture a tree that your mental facilities are capable of supporting. Now for my name. I refuse to part with my own name long enough for it to take the space of this document, not that I don’t believe in the value of the document, but because someone without the mental resources to make appropriate conclusions from the literature hereafter written might find it offensive that the observations I make are about them. So with that said my name is just “The professor”.

Now an autobiography is about the person that writes it so that this group of finely selected words is about your humble author. I may just be the greatest man of the twenty first century. So that being the case the reader will be at an understanding level lower then my normal prose so if you see in the text that I have clarified my meanings with crystal clear definitions of words I used, I did so because most lay readers would find the act of finding a dictionary too bothersome to undergo to actually understand what they read and therefore lose sight of their goal to become smarter from my awesome intellect. You may also find that I write sometimes in a kind of riddled code because I sometimes find it necessary for my meaning to be concealed from those that don’t have the intelligence to make appropriate decisions from what I tell them. Remember now that I am the “Professor” and not the “Counselor.”

Lets discuss the basic phases of my life to see why my understanding of things is so much higher then the common reader. I began life as a baby and most of that is not of much interest, just slobbing and playing with toys. Then came youth and learning to play the accordion though it certainly wasn’t the normal thing to do. It has given me a perspective of music that I wouldn’t have otherwise obtained. Then learning to play guitar and having some rock bands that met demise without much promise I grew up to a teenager concerned with automobiles and the reproductive organs of females. I would like to stop the narrative for a moment to make a point and that is that most people should choose abstinence when considering sexual intercourse with the other sex. Not because of chances of STD’s but simply as simple consideration to humanity.

I had some cars and I had some guitars and they changed as time went on and I found one secret (well truly more then just one but I will address only one at this moment) out in life. The most aggressive people (in a hostile way) are also the most stupid. I personally like to see these people carelessly transgress the law and find that the legal systems doesn't approve of such antics. If you are one of these people please commit suicide in a way that is very painful to you.

I am a jerk and I think society is to blame for it. I know you have this idea that I just blame society because I am in denial of the true problem. But your idea is stupid and you should stop trying to harbor one because honestly it will not do you any credit. It’s just that in a human’s life (or at least one of my intellect) there comes a time when they (see I am not sexist, just sexy) just don’t want to hear words that support nothing. The act of speaking is one that great care should be taken in not just mindlessly spreading insincere pleasantries with people that have an ordained purpose higher then theirs. You misinterpret me I fear from my last gem of knowledge in that I said ordained as in some spiritual being, and please don’t worry I am not so simple to believe in any organized or otherwise inferred spiritual thing, I leave that to you cretins. So I understand you undertake the business of religion with so much zeal. I can imagine that you aren't familiar with the term backwards engineering so I will describe it for you. Backwards engineering is when an item is dismantled to find out how it works which is what we should do for religion. Well, we (humanity) believed in god because it gave guidance and a higher purpose to put an end to unjust acts. Now that we have backwards engineered the purpose for religion we can now further dismantle it to its faith-based system that requires faith to hold it together through time. I think this is a self-destruct feature that over time would be invalidated by further metaphysical thought. I don't want you to wander too far down in analytical thought because you might start thinking that there is a reason why Chuck Norris movies make money.

So we have concluded already that religion is bogus. I think I am moving quite fast for you and if I wish the manuscript of my life to have any duration I will have to slow down. Now lets talk about alternative religions. The kind of religions that people think up just so that the people that are even too stupid to use the conservative religions can spend money on and be a humorous sight for everyone else. I could easily just make a blanket statement and state that all religions are wrong. But these religions are more wrong because the only thing they promote is further ignorance. My favorite theory on this kind of thing is that if there are people that think of themselves as witches and vampires then we should have witch and vampire hunters. I think it would be of more benefit then harm to humanity. Professor one, Counselor zero. Don't look for meaning in that unless you know the two said people. I have had the displeasure of being previewed to some of these “societies” sacred books and it is just full of stupid writing validating what a fourteen year old with no friends would like to believe. I think everyone that owns that kind of literature should be required to register for mandatory suicide pills.

If you haven't noticed I believe in rash measures to cure rash (the itchy painful nasty looking) kind of problems (yes that was pun). But though sometimes rash I very rarely regret my decisions because I realize that the end if projected will be more then the means. And honestly I am more often then most people, right. I think this is another reason why I have the attitude I have. It's simple understanding of probability verses possibility. And the big reason why I despise authority so much. Most of the people I have experienced in authoritive positions to me have had less understanding of things then me and the failure on their part to read situations and accept my observations and predictions has led to poor performance on the unit that I was functioning in and more overall work. When compared to my predicted outcomes of their projected methods of accomplishing missions to the actual out come they usually match up well. So I always favor appropriate courses of action and calculated measures and would rather spend time developing the method instead of changing it if the ignorant one someone else came up with inevitably fails. And if you see me in public don't call me the professor or anything for that matter, just go to other side of the road.

When I was a young fellow I asked my mother about where babies came from. The answer I received was full of technical information I wasn't old enough yet to understand. I think this provided me with a grasp on reality instead of superstition that makes me consider logical explanations to non-apparent situations.

I lived in a world of blindness for a while when a young teenager I would like to be able to say that it was a short and meaningless phase but I can't do so and still remain loyal to you. So I must fast forward to when I came out of my coma of ignorance in-between the junior and senior year of my high school. I must also refrain from telling that part of my life because I hold it more dear to me then I do of you. The important thing you must understand from it is that I was changed into the man I am that I thirst for knowledge and truth instead of cast it aside because I put too much faith into the size of my package. You can make what you want of what I mean by package but I mean penis. But my penis isn't what the world is based on (though it should be). So I finished High School with mediocre results (which really doesn't matter because the curriculum wouldn't have provided much more knowledge with better results of regurgitating knowledge) and went on a journey where I met the biggest group of ignorant people I have ever met. Someone said that the troops are stupid and I concur. If I attempt to portray that I am your average soldier I do you a disservice. There are soldiers that are more dedicated and harder working. But most of them treat language as an enemy instead of one of the best-developed tools of thought. They prefer destruction to creating and they treat life as an experiment, have consistent misconceptions about the world around them, are blindly following a path of insincerity and belief in what other blind people tell them. I've been many places that I would never like to return with Lawton Oklahoma as the worst of them (and be aware that I have been to Iraq and Afghanistan). I have also seen places that I would like to settle down were beer doesn't taste like water and education is more important then what some stupid person in your class thinks of you.

If you think I am a traitor then perhaps in a small way I am. I see things in a different light because I have seen things you haven't. And while you shallowly search though your wade pool deep feelings I am considering what pop culture has to offer future generations. Gold on the grill but no food on the plate and the submerging of the economy because the control is at the top. And all the while the people with the least financial resources are the ones that are producing the most offspring. I think families should be limited to two kids. And I am not saying this to invalidate my dear younger sister. Just an observation that it is the best situation. I have often questioned if I desire to bring a child into this world that is so pathetic. Out of the years of evolution this is what we came up with, Country music albums selling and the most ignorant of people in the seats of control. Have it your way with super sized fries and jumbo caffeinated sugar drink that I can only force down when it's 50% Jim beam. The Professor would rather have his meal with some light sides and a cold cerne pivo.

I must commend you at this point that you have survived thus far in your thirst of knowledge. I think at this point I should reveal a caper of mine to keep up a lively experience for you. One time in the summer I was driving my parents white Aerostar van and had some old Christmas cookies in a tin. Why I had the cookies I do not remember but they were not worth eating and there was a man on a golf cart driving on the shoulder of the street. I would be doing an injustice to not address what is wrong with this situation. The road was a 45 mph road and there being drainage ditches on both sides of the road and that the golf cart had a top speed of less then half of 45 mph and not licensed to be driven on such roads was blocking one lane, creating a danger to travelors. I was coming the other direction at the posted 45 mph speed limit and having located a target suitable for being cookied I released the cookie at the golf cart resulting in an angry fat man that was unable to do anything about it. Now that I think of it the man had made more transgresses against good human nature because of his lack of shirt. Professor 1, Fat shirtless guy on a golf cart 0.

In the town where I grew up there is a state park called “East Harbor State Park” and it has a relatively nice beach there (at least as great lake beaches are concerned). It has been a place of great value to me over there years. I ran cross-country at the course there and received my first kiss on the beach. I have also been harassed by the park rangers because of the exhaust my car had at the time. I have snuck into the park past its closing time to drink booze and ended up throwing up. There actually was quite a bit of throwing up involved with my life (including doing it at Thomas Edisons birthplace), as I'm sure most of you have. Of course the majority of you just throw up words. In a careless foolish manner just speaking away at someone that has no interest but without the better sense to keep you from it. East Harbor State Park was home to the wiener song, a song that I used to annoy stupid fanny pack tourists. I worked entertaining the fanny pack tourists but when I wasn't on shift I did my best to make their stay in the area as miserable as they made my stay in the area. The infrastructure in the area is a compromise between too extremes. The first extreme is the winter that there are not many people that live in the area. Then there’s the summer extreme where there is a lot of people. So the infrastructure is adequate if not over adequate in the winter but not adequate in the summer. And therefore creates a 25 mph strip that is in other seasons 55 mph. People breaking for turns without proper blinking and just overall poor judgment.

My friends initiated stupid ways of dealing with it involving throwing tacks onto the street. That would be fine if only one tack was destined to go into a tire in the car it was meant for and sending the car into a roll killing all passengers but the truth of the matter is that when multiple tacks are put on the road that the majority of them will find their way into several cars and the rest will be pushed to the side for me to step on when stumbling home from the bar (which is illegal even though there is no public transport or taxi service.)

There is an immortal moment in the history of the Professor that can without delay be relayed to you. It was a party in some time of the year and I had hopped on the not drinking wagon because I thought it was the (right) thing to do (yes I know I was wrong) and we had some cappuccino to help us stay up. My friend later came to me offering me to take a drink of his cappuccino and orange juice concoction he made up claiming that it hadn't any alcohol in it. I first declined claiming that there was alcohol in it but he denied it several times and I drank. Clearly there was alcohol in it and he thought it was very funny. My revenge was worthy of a million different awards including the Emmy for best performance in that I put gum in his hair when he went to sleep. Professor 1 Chief Red 1.

At this time I would like to make a list of awesome automotive moments I have had in the United States.

1. Driving 140+ mph on route two on a windy bridge in a 68 cutlass with loose suspension and 3 different profiles of tires.

2. Doing a 720 in my Oldsmobile cutlass in the school parking lot while the janitor watched (hopelessly).

3. Running into the back end of a Buick in my 73 MG midget.

4. Blowing up the muffler on my cutlass at James Park.

5. Blowing up the 2^nd muffler on my cutlass on Alexander pike.

6. Racing a V8 Javelin in my moms SOHC automatic stock focus and wining.

7. Getting sideways in my parents aerostar.

8. Throwing a cookie at a fat man on a golf cart from my parent’s aerostar.

9. Running over a snake in a Taurus wagon.

10. Having to push the Taurus wagon because reverse often didn't work.

Now I should have stated earlier that there are some that should take what I write with a grain of salt but the majority of you should take it with a capsule of cyanide or a lethal dose of hemlock, your life so it’s your choice. You may start to get an idea that I am not a very civil person but you mistake in that thought, because really I am a civil person when it is a time to be a civil person but when I address the consensus it isn’t that time.

I am glad that you are probably wondering what I look like and whether my hair is fair or even there. It is there and yes it is fair and fair enough to answer your question I have a more then average physical appeal to the eyes. My taste in style is derived from what my brain registers as tasteful. Taste is something that few people posess, it is knowing what is appropriate to garner healthy respect in you execution of style and social grace. I find it’s best to error on the side of overdressed as opposed to underdressed. That being said I probably dress better then you do.

Now for the employment aspect of my life, I repair radars for the US Army. But in a pickle suit kind of way that has really gotten old. So old in fact that I would have retired if I was allowed. They seem to have this idea that since I signed a contract for 5 years that I need to stay in the army for those 5 years, what jerks. I try to keep my true talents from being known to the army. If they knew I would surely be kidnapped and sent to some elite training unit to get yelled at until I did stupid stuff like roll on the ground and point a weapon at things. Then probably be stuck in the army for another 5 years pretending to like being a puppet. You must know of course that I understand why the army is the way it is. It wouldn’t function in a way that would make it suitable for me to remain in it and that is the reason why I will retire (hopefully in summer of the year of our lord 2008.) Which will actually be the year of your lord 0024.

Some people seem to get the idea that I am a homosexual. I recently found that out from an index card that had one of my alias mentioned as gay. Of course they may mean gay as the original definition of the word meaning happy. It was further compounded by also having the word fag in no real conotation just an extra word at the end of the sentance. Perphaps that is who they mean to address it to but the actual real definition of fag means a ciggarette so perphaps the person addressed is something that someone smokes. The word faggot which it is possible what was intended by whoever has a small brain, but the actual defnition of faggot is a bundle of sticks. It was transferred to be representing homosexuals when they used to make homosexuals go and pick up bundles of sticks that would then be used to start the fire to burn the homosexual. It would do more good for me at the moment then harm if I did have a reputation as being a homosexual. The army policy is that if there is substancial evidence is presented that a certain soldier is a homosexual then the command is required to make an investigation into the alleged affair. After the investigation if further evidence substanicates the claim and it’s proved that the individual has made either homosexual comments, homosexual acts, or attempted homosexual marriage then seperation from service is the only course of action. So please don’t be afraid to write that I am a homosexual. But please use propper termonology to keep from misunderstandings. And having a sense of style is not an act of homosexuality.

Army training has to be my favorite thing in my little life. It isn’t everyday I have to lay on the cold ground and pretend to point my weapon at things. I wonder if it is realized that most poeple are born with the ability to lay on the cold ground. And also born with the ability point a weapon at nothing. So that being assumed couldn’t we concentrate on types of training that had results other then confirming that the command is retarded. The common task training the army has instituted concentraits on points instead of concepts. But it is my experience that concepts are more useful because they are remembered better then 12 steps to bandaging a scraped knee. But then again I step down from continuing this point because most soldiers are too stupid to try to implement concepts. So might as well let them forget their steps.

I have digressed into some fine words that I should have saved for my next book “The Reasons Why the Army Is Ignorant.” It will be an indepth read into the soldier physcy and examines ignorant redundant abondunt doctrine. It discusses the displacement concept where the smart soldiers realize what a hosejob the army is and don’t re-enlist. So keep an eye out at the bookstores for that little gem of knowledge sometime after this book is printed.

Music is a good thing I believe at least in a pure form. It can however be bad if it coupled with words like country. I think all music producers need to aquire a rating from the MSCOTP (Music, Standardzation, Counsel, Of, The, Professor.) The rating would be on a scale of –10 to +10 with –10 being country and +10 being Dean Martin. Dean Martin shouldn’t be given human attributes either because he is the closest thing to a god that has ever existed. Of course if we give him god status then it is only fair to grant The Chairman Of the Board Jesus status. I am his profit and anybody that disagrees with me has my permission to end their lives in a painful manner.

People like to associate things with other things. So the accordion has came to be associated with polka music and skinny black guys with water level pants and big glasses. I would like to point out that Polka music is traditionally played with a string ensemble. The accordion has many forms but the most common is the chromatic piano version with a stradella bass side. It is a universal instrument that can be found in many orchestras and as a solo instrument. The actual sound profile of the treble notes is dependant on the reed selection on tuning of the instrument. But it can sound like clairinet or another similiar wind instrument. The negative association is simple sign of ignorance. And any smart person doesn’t let their regard get affected by undeserved association. Read the last sentance of the previous paragraph please.

Music is actually alot more simple then people realize it is a simple organization of time and 11 semitones. Traditional music usually uses 7 of the semitones at a time to make a diatonic scale. The tones are arranged and melody is formed then additional tones from the 7 are added to create a hamony that under flows the melody. The duration of the notes is determined by the rythem and you have a song. Ok now go find a piano and drop it on yourself.

I will touch again later on the topic of music but now I must discuss morality. There are several billion people on the planet and the planet isn’t so big. This creates the situation that people have to have interaction with one another. That it is imporant for appropriate human interaction. Morality is the essence of sucessful human coexistance. I have the oppinion (as you should know I have no oppinions just facts so you can interchange any time I write oppinion as simply a fact) that religious morality needs to be thrown out the window (preferably with the person that presents it) because it puts the human species society backwards. We have to face the fact that what made sense two thousand years ago no longer applies. Who really cares if jesus is against abortion, I don’t hear him saying it. People just foolishly tying there agenda to exerts from the bible that if logically studied in light of the situation they were written in doesn’t make a valid point concerning whatever whoever is trying to prove. Remember that the attitude of the church has changed considerably about things in the past few thousand years so with that kind of inconsistancy, how does it become something that we should base our lives off of. I present a different type of morality. I personally like the concept of the golden rule but I understand the limitations that it fails to address. You can have Karma based concepts of human relations but it comes out in an unbalanced equation that only a fool would try to count his or her virtues earned and deserved like calories for some fitness nut . This is what you can count on in life; birth (unless you are aborted like I recommend to most poeple), lies, one or two honest people, and death. The secret to a happy life is not living in a pit of regrets from being stupid. I’ve done stupid things but I mostly don’t regret them because I can see the bigger picture. I have a bigger brain so I can understand more then you so I guess really the secret is to have a brain big enough to rationalize life.

With my big brain I have one question to ask and I ask the shallow ignorant demographic because I’m sure if people magazine wrote about it they would have remembered that. Is Hansen dead yet? I hope so. Don’t bother answering, honestly I don’t care I just thought that would be a humorous statement. Anyways I predict that it either happened or will happen that they will start a cult and drink some poisened trendy drink like redbull. The cult will be called “Hansen Gate”. And they believe they will soar on a comet of non-obscurity, Oom bop inmoratality!

I need to get this off my chest. There are some people that should be forced to

register for court appearances where they plead their case for the right to oxygen. If

they fail in pleading their case then they lose their supply of oxygen and have to convert

over to natural gas. Just kidding, they really just die. I know someone thats name will go

unstated but he has complained that the ex girlfriend he knows wont take him back

because instead of seeing her on his vacation he went to some South American country

and had intercourse with many prostitutes or otherwise ugly, stupid, and nasty women.

Not that his own personal merits deserve attention from the other sex but it is completely

disrespectful to her and humanity to expect anything from her. Lets see what is required

for a sucessful relationship; a level of honesty, compatable expectations, and respect.

Now it is often that those things are present but still the relationship isn’t sucessful but

there is never a sucessful relationship where one of those things is lacking. You may say

that I neglected to mention trust as one of the requirements but that is ignorant because I

addressed it as an accompaning feature of honesty.

Do you feel your brain becomming bigger and more stimulated? I would assume

you do at this point this might be the point where I recomend some supplemental sources

of information; “the portable voltaire”, “the philosophical dictionary” by voltaire, and

“the little engine that could”. Just kidding the little engine that could probally would

elude your mental facilities. Come to think of it Voltaire will be too much too. At least

you can follow the pictures of “the little engine that could.”

I am not a parent and certainly haven’t been given enough money from you yet

to be able to afford being a parent. Of course I could be like the multitudes but that’s not

the type of parent I wish to be. But I have an oppinion (yes understand I mean fact or

facts) about it. First thing that as a human being, humanity is your biggest responsibility

you don’t realize it but it is. So your child is where you can do the most good (or bad if

you are avereage). You can raise a stimulated intelligent driven person or you can raise a

lazy fool that spends all the time and money he/she is given taking illegal drugs and

complaining about how he/she isn’t accepted. By the way soul patches look stupid.

So now that it’s all out there in the open are you going to haphazardly spend your

life or will you grab hold of logic and better judgment making hard decisions to benifit

the world? I am in the latter oppinion of what a human being should do, the somethings

close have my permission to do the haphazard thing.

Recently my favorite person in the world (I wont write whole world because it’s

inferred) inquired about suitable reading material written in the english language. At first

I thought of some of my favorites but they would have been confusing to her because she

isn’t a native english speaker. I decided to recomend to her Kurt Vonnegut because he

writes stuff that is interesting and not bland and tasteless like most modern writers. It was difficult to answer because out of the thousands of writers, most of them suck. I hate reading about some ex FBI, ex football star, fashion designer that has to fight against some deranged ex special forces, ex delta forces, lunatic trying to kill his genetic scientist wife. Why don’t they write about something other than completely trite situations. Too many books are about completely unbelievable romantic situations involving retarded selfish people. We need to gun down 95% of the current authors of the world. After that, we can have standards for printed data that it has to at least be good enough to not make me wretch at it’s first page. More room for books on library shelfs that can captivate somebody truely like what you are reading right now. And there can be a special section of the library where anybody that wishes to borrow Louis Lamour will be shot old west style. Writing has to have a balance between concise observation, tasteful insight, and a plot that takes you to another place but isn’t completely obviously made up.

We will skip now to another topic rather unreasonably now because I located a writing I had done in the past that is adequately addressing poor social etiquette and the proper solution to that poor etiquette. So get out the old notebook and fill it with notes so that you can properly deal with such events.

What the fuck does it matter to you, my day was ok yesterday and so was the day before it. There are very few variables in this place and therefore the expectation of it changing is unwarranted. Furthermore, you feel the urge to speak with me every time you see me and neglect to realize that we are not friends and I don’t desire your company or friendship. I only desire a peaceful un-engaging social climate between us.

How has our society became the way that we ask questions even though we don’t honestly desire an answer to the question and a simple acknowledgement is sufficient? The world has become so blind to the important realizations. People think it’s important to tell me what I already should have figured out by myself. It seems that we have lowered our standard to the lowest common expectation of observational ability. It seems everyone wants to have his or her own personal editorial about everything except what is important. It seems that most observations that someone produces for my ears is generic, ill conceived, or blindly apparent. It is also a fact that the English language is being compromised beyond reproach by uneducated slobs that through pop culture have been taught that immoral lives are the only solution to their view that they shouldn’t try at school. Then they blame society for making them not study, not get a legal job, and ultimately ending up in prison. Where is the line of responsibility lie between society and the individual? It isn’t like the facts aren’t out there for people to make intelligent decisions. Everybody has seen billboards, public service ads, and speeches that project semi if not full truths about things. Decisions should be made with simple logic of chances of benefits weighed against the chances of negative results. It doesn’t make sense to run across the street of a busy intersection just to save 2 minutes that you spend waiting on a bus instead of waiting at the crossing. Then when you do get to the bus stop someone will decide he wishes to ask how your day is going even though honestly he doesn’t care how your day is going. Me personally, if confronted with an awkward silence between a stranger will just give a well wishing message instead of asking the obligatory stupid questions that have plagued our society for years.

My favorite observations are the ones that completely neglect the required knowledge to make an observation about a certain thing. I think my liking of them is for their entertainment value they hold for me. I guess I am a bit of a sociopath because I feed off other peoples ignorance to drive my own ego. The few people I don’t so much as feed off of I make as my friends. I like being demeaning in a way that is usually untraceable to the person receiving the demeaning. That is the most satisfying social situation I can be in. It may seem that this is a selfish thought and really it is, but it must be brought into account that I have been metaphorically and sometimes physically held down by those stupider then me for a good portion of my life. I have allowed myself to be accepted into groups I should have ran from and I have pushed away groups that I should have attempted to be accepted into. Because of it I find myself in an interesting situation that there are few people I know that I like to spend time with. Actually I guess that should be normal. I suppose this makes me appear to be an introvert because of where I go and the non-existant possibility of spending time with people I would like to spend time with. A lot of people probably think I am a homosexual because there are such few people that are suitable company that I usually hang out with just one fellow. I also despise stuff that most men would find entertaining like knocking each other around with gloves and talking crudely about what things I did with my girlfriend that is none of their business.

I have a friend that has the right idea about communication. If someone desires his attention or friendly words reciprocated and he doesn’t desire it, he waves his hand to show disregard and says ahhhh. Then if the person continues to talk it is answered with the phrase “stop saying words.” This phrase is only acknowledging that there are words of negative or no value and a request for them to cease. Be careful though, many times this will just have the person confused to think if he made you mad instead of just the fact that you feel he is invalid to speak with you. A lot of the people that are really invalid to speak with you don’t realize it. If such an event occurs it may be requiring more time to explain you aren’t mad at the jackass and instead just don’t want to speak with him. It wouldn’t be bad if he thought you were mad at him except for the fact that he may want to talk about it to “fix” the problem why you are mad. The balance between this is hard. The only real good solution is to only have initial communication with those that don’t suck. Never hang out with anyone unless you know they don’t suck.

Let’s discuss what you desire to discuss now, I assume you desire to talk about sex. Sex is the act of having certain organs stimulated by another person and there are many methods of accomplishing that. Just be sure (that unless you have been granted special permission by me) not to put the penis inside of a vagina because then 9 months later another moron will find it’s way out of that vagina and join the home team destroying humanity.

What the hell happened to culture? Is it dead? Did I miss when the king of earth said, you know what is wrong with this planet, too much damn positive stimulating culture, let’s destroy that. Instead of hearing carefully composed music that is expressive without words through a expansive musical vocabulary we have some man singing about how many women he has had sex with on top of some ignorant looped garbage. In the past centuries we have went from Beethoven to Eminem to the worst of all Toby Kieth.

We have people that don’t wish to “conform” to social standards so they find different social standards and conform to a stupider ideal. It’s not individuality if you do things that other people do, the only thing that ends up being displayed is that you spent too much time painting your face white and buying poor quality chinese made simulated leather trenchcoats and pot metal trinkets of skulls. If I have describe you, you are not an individual you are a stereotype make note of the difference and drink your own blood and die doing it (it might require drinking alot of blodd).

Back to the topic of music now. Music can be found on several different types of media, lets go over those and kill false generalizations with the true facts. Thomas Edison made the first record player in the late 19th centurty. The system included putting the audio information onto a ceramic disc that could have a needle inserted into the grooves to reproduce what was recorded. The system was a bit primitive but through years of evolution the ceramic was replaced with vinyl, stereo capabilities were added and decks improved to a true High Fidelity media (fidelity means true to original so the reproduced sounds, sound very close to the original sound event.) I think it is imporant at this time to give an explanation of the nature of sound waves. What they taught you in school is that the medium of air is moved by freqencys in a sine wave to produce an event that your ear can absorb, what they might have failed to explain that is just one of several frequencys that is produced by the said event and there are other frequencys (harmonics) that are carried with it as well making a not perfect soundwave. A perfect sound wave isn’t interesting at all, there is no timbre which are the inperfections that make the guitar sound like a guitar or a piano sound like a piano. So when I refer to High Fidelity think of a faithful reproduction of those imperfections. The record deck would need after the sound is electrically transcribed to the needle to transfer the high fidelity electric signal to an amplifier. Amplifiers in the mid 1960s to the present use tranisistors (called solid state technology) to amplify those electric signals but transistors have a pretty limited switching ability that can miss between 25 to 50% of the timbre of the signal resulting in about 50 to 75% fidelity. The amplifiers before this relied on vaccuum tubes to amplify the signal which have about 95 to 98% fidelity but cost more and drain more power. Another media that we need to discuss is magnetic tape. A magnetic tape is a tape that accepts magnetic charges to create a signal that can be read on a head unit (bsically an electric magnet). We will talk about two different catagories of this reel to reel and cassete. A reel to reel recorder uses a giant real that has the tape and you feed the tape throw the head unit and to another reel that spins and forces the tape to move that the magnetic data can be taken off. The data is then taken and amplified either internally or externally. The tape is rather big so there isn’t much compression of the audio data so fidelity is rather good. A cassette deck uses a box that has the magnetic tape contained with two spools and feeds it through itself to create a compact (at the time) package that had decent fidelity but not close to a reel to reel or record. Can contain either mono or stereo events. This was replaced by the Compact disc as the common media to store musical media. The Compact disc has data that is optically burned into the disc in digital format that can be decoded later. Compact discs have been claimed to have fine fidelity but it is not true there is alot of data that is lost in digital encription. Also it is easy for the data on a cd to become completely unreadable. You should have come to the correct conclusion that a good turntable and a good well engineered vaccuum tube amplifier gives the best possible sound. It’s a real shame that vinyl is very hard to find new and very limited on what types of music can be found on it.

Now I will address certain problems with the direction of musical notation. I am a guitarist and as a guitarist I became recently interested on improving my skill and understanding of guitar playing. I wish to learn to play classical guitar. Definition classical guitar is not Van Halen it is a nylon string guitar that the strings are manipulated individualy rather then blind struming and without a pick. On the outset I knew I would need to aquire some suitable sheet music in proper musical notation for guitar (i.e. G clef). I looked online through the normal sources that I can use for buying sheet music and most of them only offered “tabs”. Tabs are the lowest common denominator of written music and don’t adequitely display how to play a song. It’s like trying to speak a language without knowing how to conjugate anything into propper tense. It took centuries for a system to be developed that explained everything you need to play a song and now since guitar is used by the multitude of ignorance that the standard has become completely retarded. It makes me glad that the accordion hasn’t caught on the way it was in the 40s and 50s to where a staff is foreign and the accepted method was designed by a four year old. Where Genious is condemned the Professor goes not here.

You have began to question why am I stating just simple facts that you should already may have known. The reason for it is that there are many that might not know these kinds of things so I must break it down for them. I try to write at a level that everyone can enjoy and I hope completely that I have managed in this exploration of my life and mind. You think I should discuss more of the facts of my life but they aren’t as much as a benifit to you like my advice. And really underlining all this document is my advice for a pear to be grown, lips to be bit, and minds to be opened (sometimes you open your mind by closing it to the wrong.) Let us enter a metalphysical place where we do things because we have un-biasedly weighed the details. We are the world, we are life. And the Professor is the guide.

What do you search for is it sex, is it what they call love, is it arguments, or is it acceptance? Some of these things are easier to find then others and it is my experiance they are best found when you aren’t looking. When I want quid I have pro. It takes a wise man or woman to balance his or her desires and denying them all is a fools response. It’s a priority that must be determined. Just learn that you are never to cheapen life give it your best and find a good way to arrange your priorities.

I am in what is called the Afghanistan phase of my life as I write this part. It is called the Afghanistan phase of my life because Afghanistan is where I happen to be for this year. It is simply a time when I put my life on hold for a year so that some people that desire to have me dead are dead instead. I have a rifle and attached to the rifle I have a gernade launcher but I will most likely never use them because my responcibilities keep me at least a few kilometers away from where the men that desire to have me dead are. I just help provide information to make those people dead with the out reach that Artillery has. I’m known for being competent in my field and have so far on this deployment maintained my system to a 100% standard. Meaning that the system has had continuent operations for 100% of the time besides standard daily maintenance. The Afghanistan phase of my life is much like Iraq stage of my life part I and I will assume it will be like Iraq stage of my life part II. In total I will have put my life completely on hold for 2.5 years of my life (Iraq part I was only six months due to ariving to the unit after they were deployed). Few people understand what it is like to try to do this. They say they support you while they are trying to seduce your significant other. There are a few troops that believe in god so you can imagine that there are troops that think they are heroes. Let me tell you something in my book (and you are reading my book) heroes don’t come home to find some guy fucking their wife and end up convicted of murder for killing him. People are selfish and stupid and I don’t desire to shed my blood so they can continue doing the stupid things they do.

I recently enjoyed the temple of the vampire’s website the other day (vampiretemple.com I think), and I have to say now I found a religion that gives the choice of being devine. “Long ago there were gods that walked the planet, they haven’t left they are us,” of course what they had was longer and more drawn out but equally stupid, they did manage to use multiple tenses. I guess every retard with a modem and a desire to be devine has the right to be a god. But if it was passed down wouldn’t that mean the parents that made them eat broccoli and encouraged them to find a job and move out of the basement must be devine too. Lets all be gods if a website says so. Lets take the name for ourselves from a book of fiction written by a german guy about some romanian that drank blood for it’s “life force” when in fact that badass romanian guy was named vlad and is partly responcible for driving out the turkish from Europe. While we are at deriving our beliefs from fictional sources that hard facts contradict, let’s believe that the Professor can piss champagne and care about you. Oh before I neglect to mention it, if you eat pigmies you get their forest powers.

So if you are starting to take the white makeup off your face and decided that perphaps there are other colors then black or never had such veiws we can continue, otherwise choke. I would assume there would be a few of you that are starting to get heated but if you followed my advice you would have either stopped reading or committed suicide, so really there is no cause for being heated because your inability to follow directions has caused your hostility not me. I am sure you are saying I’m full of shit because of the “research you did”. Well let me be the first to congradulate you on poor research. Remember if something is produced by men it is produced by men and not divine. Now continue choking (if in the previous clause you had been instructed to choke.)

For the next few pages I hope to relate some stories of the developmental period of my life. You may find the hijinks to be childish or brutish and in poor taste. I may agree on some levels but I can support them because they took place mostly in controlled enviroments and no lasting damage I can assure you has been done. So grab your scarves and jackets and let us travel back in time to sometime cold in my highschool years.

I acted as disc jockey for some junior highschool dances while I was attending high school. I would provide the equiptment and media and the students listened to what I desired to listen to. I had strict policies for people requesting stupid stuff. Basically if you did request something stupid, I would either not have it or I would say that I didn’t have it. And if you brought your own cd I certainly didn’t play it because, well because I didn’t desire too. For some odd reason though I was always invited back to do it again. There were times that a stupid song would have to be played and the cooler junior high students would have me announce that it was requested by someone that would be humiliated by it. It was easy on my part because someone would request something and say they were someone else. I made about $20 an hour at those events so I was able to fill my tank up a couple times and kind of enjoyed setting up the equiptment.

I once unknowingly accepted stolen property. It was during the winter of 2002. I was invited to go to the town over to their mall by the bass player of the band I had at the time KAB69, and when he called he mentioned a car that was being thrown away at the organization that he worked for. I asked him to ask the organization if we could have the car because it seemed neat. It was a Bradley GT kit car that was built on a volkswagon bug chassis. He contacted the people and they gave us a deadline to pick it up. We had limited means to do so and with the steering collumn locked we couldn’t steer it. So we picked up the front end and tied the front bumper to a truck my friend had burrowed from a relative. I sat in the car on the side panel because the floor board was rusted through. I operated the brake but soon found it had been drained of fluid and didn’t work I operated the clutch like a brake puting it in gear when I wished to slow down (the engine turned but didn’t start). We made it home and shortly after began the project. The frame was found to be rusted throughout as it was on it’s floor boards and would have been unsafe in any condition. We disassembled the entire car and cut the frame with an tourch to make it easy to transport and took it to the salvage yard where we sold the steel for less then $5.00 (which didn’t even pay for the gas). Then we set the body on the pool deck we had (even though the pool has long since been dismantled). We had meant to sand the body down and repaint it making some cosmetic changes to it. I managed to cut the stupid T top off so that it had only the windshield and it sat like that for a while. In the summer of the year I came home from work to find that the police had been to my house and claimed the car to be stolen. I filled out a police report and was put in contact with the rightful owner. I was invited to her house where I went and passed on all resources I had that would be needed for finishing the car and discussed the car history. She didn’t desire to press charges with me because she knew what the truth was. What had happened is that the director (or some other authority at the organization where my friend worked) had dispised the view of the car that was in the ladies lawn (or debatably the organizations land) and had it towed to the trash area of the organization and ordered the maintenance crew to cut it up and throw it away (which is illegal to do to an automobile.) The maintenance crew having talked to my friend agreed that we could take it because it saved them from having to cut up the car (they believed it belonged to the authoritive person that ordered them to cut it up.) I have no knowledge of what has happened after that beside the car went back to the original owner with everything that had been aquired with it that hadn’t been thown away. Fortunately on my end the realization that if I hadn’t mistakenly aquired the car it would have been completely gone was made by the rightful owner. I really wish the organization that had created the complete situation would have been properly prosecuted.

Behind the house I grew up there is a quarry and it is quite expansive. In the years recently the group that runs it has expanded the amount of actual quarry that is used but before that the part behind my house was rarely used and a good place for me to spend time. From early childhood I knew that quarry almost like the back of my hand. Sometime when I was growing up the part that they dug from became deep enough that it aquired the status of a strip mine which under some regulation make’s it a felony to trespass there. So with that in mind, it’s a bit risky to go there if you are stupid. There were some close calls when I was growing up but for the most part if i stayed in the section just behind my house I was fine. This was the first place I ever was drunk.

My brother graduated when I was a freshman in highschool. The party was set for right after the ceremony and so while everybody went to the ceromony I grabed a few bottles of beer in a backpack and brought them to a hidden part of the quarry. My friend and i then during the party took off for there and tried drinking them. I drink three or four bottles and couldn’t feel anything. So after about ten minutes decided to start the fifteen minute walk back to the party. I do not know what the delay was with the alcohol entering my bloodstreem but it happened at the instance I was placing a hot dog on my plate at the party. Spontagious drunkness is a strange thing and after getting a second hotdog and throwing the one I had dropped away I left the main party to the younger party on the pool deck with my friends.

The next time I was drunk was at my friend Tony’s graduation party where I was the DJ. We were driving under the influence in his golf cart on Johnsons Island. I had developed a talent on that golfcart to drive only with my feet so I can play guitar at the same time. This means that the wiener song could be broadasted a longer distance so that more annoyance was bestowed to the unassuming populace of the island. That was a very good time I must say.

The social climate for my town sort of freezes during the winter so I had to produce my own entertainment. In one of those times I thought it would be a good idea to create the best bat ever. It started out as an aluminum softball bat that my father had purchased for my sister at a flea market for a few dollars. I cut the bat after it flaired out to it’s widest diameter and inserted a metal rod into it. I then bolted the metal rod so it would stay there and welded the steel so it wouldn’t move. After that I took pieces of scrap metal and welded them onto the pole at various angles and sharpened them on the grinder. I then welded some nails onto it for extra badassness. After all that I toped off the crowning sceptor with an old survival knife blad that stuck out the most anterior part of the bat. It was certainly the most dangerous bat that has ever existed. Unfortunetly it was bestowed to a truly unworthy recepitant.

I was a tour guide for 3 seasons at a mystery house and dinosaur park. I spent some of the time giving tours and some of the time sitting at a mocked up “dinosaur digsight”. The tours were fun because most of the time the customers were on the verge of riding short buses everywhere. They have no preception to intake the enviroment and therefore believed the bs I provided them with. There were various stories that I would supplement the tour with including a commet crashed there making special powers and ancient indian burial ground. I would make jokes disproving my inferred reasoning which would confuse them enough to make them start asking stupid questions that I would lie about. I did alot of lying at that job but not to improve the tour just to improve my satisfaction and enjoyment. I would then ask for tips even though I wasn’t supposed to.

Sometimes the job sucked more then has been displayed. There are in every facet of life when you are confronted with stupid unreasonable people. The stupid people were our key demographic but it was the unreasonable aspect that sucked occasionally. My only complaint that had been presented to me was by angry mother when I had repeatedly reprimanded her in increasingly harshness to maintain her child so he wouldn’t be hurt as he was going into un-authorized areas. When confronted by my boss about the matter I was just told that some unreasonable woman complained about me.

Of course there were times that people would be disatisfied with the park because they were expecting something more then a park that has a corny ass looking dinosaur outfront when it indeed was a park with a corny ass looking dinosaur outfront. Logic would provide enough insight into the situation. The park isn’t going to be any better then how it is presented in it’s most viewed situation. The parks biggest draw is that it is totally kitch americanna (meaning crap nostolgia).

You must now do me a favor, and that is to go out and obtain a recording of a good arangement of Ochi Chyome (dark eyes in english) on accordion. It is a truly excellent song and a good arrangement (Charles Magnante has a good one) is very impressive to hear. It is expressive and that is one of the best qualities a song can have. If it is not “crunk” enough for you, please die.

Chopin was an awesome composer and my favorite composer for piano. My second favorite would have to Beethoven. There is alot of classical music out there that is far better then what is being produced today. Not that good classical music isn’t be composed today. I am currently working on my first nocturne at the moment for classical guitar. Please do yourself a favor and buy some classical music albums and learn to enjoy them. They will slow you down until the notes run through you and all of a sudden you realize that there a passions deeper then bling bling and nascar. If you live like a fool you will ultimately die like a fool. And if you follow my advice it might not be far off.

I guess I can say that I had been interested in philosphy for a long time. I remember in elementary school discussing morality and religion with a friend of mine. We discuss how science didn’t provide enough room for religion to spring itself forth and I knew back then that one of them was wrong. Many times I have heard different arguments trying to give them both credibility but only giving them a fruitless hopeless journey. It was those pre-teenage moments that I think I developed my logic based decision making process. If you take things at face value without challenging it you will falter and become lost.